Reading my posts; realized that i dont sound very smart, witty, or mature.Instead i sound very self absorbed and childish. Hm.

See Title.
I'm guessing this photo doesn't do much to help me look less childish, right?
sigh.

Please Dont hurt me, i know i havent posted in a while.

hehehe.

hiii...
i'm not going to apologize for not blogging because nobody cares.
so there.
sigh. so lets recap whats been happening since i lat posted about my lame little life.
i had my review classes and exams that i still dont have the results for so i dont even know if i failed my math class or not. because of this i am currently taking a math summer class. it was supposed to be for credit in case i had to re do this years math next year. yeah, after almost half way through the course and busting my ass (though my sister tells me i havent been working at all; more on her later) i wasnt going to do as well as i would if i did it next year, i've decided to audit the class. my plan; if i do have to redo this years math i will get rid of my elective (even if it hurts) and take both math classes. its one plan that i know cant fail.

speaking of which; my not so good plans that ive made recently.
obviously they didnt work out and im still dealing with the backlash from these plans/decisions. On june 19th, i went to my friend's birthday/going away party. recently my fam has started to dislike the idea of me going for sleepovers and for a long time they disliked the idea of me even mentioning this friends name. long story short, i stayed over even though they didnt like it. At this party though, there was a guy. two guys actually.
One will go by the alias 'A', the other with 'B'. haha, boy A, and boy B. i find that funny since i just took away from their first initials.
ANYWAY.
A was this guy that my friend ('S' from now on.) met over the internet (yes i know. unfortunately thats how she meets most people). He was there for her to hook up with. my god, he was gorgeous. and funny! he and i hit it off right away. in fact after talking for a long time he and i almost kissed but S jumped on us. its a thing she does. she did so earlier this year on halloween after i just had my first kiss. she has a problem with guys paying attention to anyone other than her. which btw is often cos she isnt very attractive (I'M NOT BEING MEAN, ITS THE TRUTH) and the only way she gets guys to talk to her for more than a couple minutes is by sending nudes. its true, she even sent them to A. its how she got expelled from my school, and she got in trouble at her second school for harassing guys. but this isnt about her, its about me and A. because i value our friendship(yes, really) i didnt bitch her out for ruining my night. that wasnt the worst part anyway. A and i talked throughout the night but at some point me and B got to talking. he was fine sober, and then his mother dropped off some fireball for him (yes, really...) and he got not so sober. i sat next to him and then he just mauled me! not the worst part. he couldnt remember my name. he called me Alicia, Tessa, Tasha, and...Kesha. -.-' he kept talking like an idiot. par example;
"i fell in love with you tonight."x121674
"lets go, i'll save you/i'll protect you."123413
"i'm so drunk." x764515617682348734
these three sentences over and over again.and can i also add that he was the worst kisser i have ever came into contact with in my short kissing career? my friends all thought i wanted to be alone with him so they left us alone while they all went inside. best friends forever, right? so i managed to get inside and i hid while he went to the bathroom. some sign language was required but it finally got into my friends heads that i did not want this kid attacking me. "where'd she go?"
"she's waiting for you outside, mang!" "yeah, go or she'll get kidnapped."
he came back later that night and slept outside. I DONT WANT. i thought i made that clear when i pushed him away, like the 3345456th time. A stayed the night; he and S did nothing. We had a breakfast of ice cream cake and watched that 70's show. A and i sat together. we all bid him a little goodbye and i havent seen him since.

But we did plan to. that plan was a massive fucking fail. we talked for a bit and we decided to meet by my house. but he got the directions messed up and i said id go meet him and then we'd go to my house. my alibi was a birthday party. and my fam decided to be "nice" this one time and give me a ride to this party and i couldnt cancel cos A doesnt have a cellphone. i didnt know what to do so i left the house. i was on the train to meet him and i almost had an anxiety attack. my mom and my sister kept calling me and i ended up being picked up by my sister and driven home. i told her about A in the drive way. Later that night i told my mom about him.
All because of this one incident; me going to meet a guy, has lost the trust of my mom and sister. i am not a bad kid.

after some more drama over the next week after that, i was forced to cut myself off from two of my best friends, who are also "bad influences". I had to cut myself off from A too. I still talk to my two friends and today i re-added A. i can talk to them for as long as i'm not found out but i can never see them. i'm going to have to explain that to A. i hate hate hate hate explaining myself more than anything else in the world. that, and not getting what i want.

My friend silv is having her bday this friday and im going, she offered to have me sleepover since the party ends at nine. i can go to the party but i cant sleep over, ever. She is a good kid and her family is, in slang terms "legit".
to quote my mother after i got mad at her for thinking all my friends were bad,
"it doesnt matter about them. you've lost our trust."

Am i a bad kid?
I dont do drugs, i dont go to parties, i dont have sex. im only a little lazy with school. but that doesnt make me bad, does it? my intentions with A are not what everyone seems to think. I wanted him to some to my house and meet the fam. the fact that everyone seems to forget. i didnt want to sneak out. at first i wasnt going to have him come over, but i changed my mind.
My intentions werent bad, and neither were his. And yet, i am thought the misfit child.
For chrissake, i just want to go out with friends once in a while without having an anxiety attack because of my parents. i cant take it anymore. i am being told that i am ungrateful, lazy and selfish. i am not. i want to be alive. and it shouldnt matter who with. i cant sit at home like i have been. i want... oh wait i forgot, it doesnt matter about what i want. fine, i can be good for you guys, but dont you dare say who i can and cant spend my time with. LET ME LEAVE THE HOUSE. WHY DO YOU THINK I WANT TO LEAVE ALL THE TIME?

It's stifling in this house. fine, i can do my school work. fine, i can do some housework. fine, i can lick the toilet bowl to check if its clean enough. just let me go out with friends. they tell me i havent earned it.have them give me a contract stating that if i can go out an play with my neighbourhood pals, i will earn my girl scout badge. This may not make any sense at all to any of you. but its a weird situation. maybe one day i will explain it, but no one can really understand unless they live it. Maybe i'll put it in my book. Maybe.

And now, some nonsense to lighten this entry up.

I watched the new Brandon Flowers music video for Crossfire. And i couldnt help but notice one thing. is it just me or does he look very Robert Pattinson-esque in one part? photo will be put up for you to see.
and also i will maybe add a few other pics. whatever i can find on my computer. including one of a horrible picture they put of me in the yearbook. UGH.

Ciao for now.

The one with the pink toque,
Kasia.

sometimes stress makes me say and do odd things.

I havent been able to sleep for the past few days and the lack of sleep isnt exactly helpig with my productiveness. so i havent been able to do anything...last night was one exception. i couldnt sleep, so i wrote down my thoughts. most of them consisted of me making up some curse words to help me vent my anger-related stress. Pour example:
FUDGEYWUDGEYJIZZMONKEYSHITBALLDEATHBYRAKE
PUSSYTHUMBS
FUCKMYLIFEWITHARAKEANDNEVERCALLITBACK (a classic of mine..)
WHYMUSTMILEYCYRUSDOTHISTOME?! (I really dont remember that one...but she is a torturous one isnt she?)
EVERYONEHASACASEOFTHEGAYZ

that is all for now.
i hope you all laugh at my pain. sigh.
haha...im slowly going insane.

Kasia

its crunch time.

fuck.
fuck.
FUCK MY LIFE WITH A RAKE AND NEVER CALL IT BACK.
its almost the end of the year and im stressing out.
every year its the same;
i promise to work really hard ("really, this time is different!") and something always seems to take up all my time that i should be spending on doing my school/studying/giving a shit etc. etc. this year for example its been C. aka the "kisser" and me trying to better my sad little social life. and it always ends the same way; i freak out at the end of the year and get marks that are sub par (if that). im so scared for my math grade this year. its been my worst subject as per usual but now we have provincial exams.luckily our teacher is letting us re-do every test since the beginning of the year so i have a chance to raise myself a couple percent before the exam. i may have to pray more often.
i had a project due yesterday but some things happened on my computer and i havent been able to finish it by hand so i missed school yesterday to try to finish it. i didnt so i did the horrible student thing and sent an email begging for an extension. he probably wont follow through and i'll be screwed. wow, theres a gorgeous sunset outside. and also a couple of snot nosed punk kids with their crazy jazz muzak fucking around annoyingly close to my front lawn.
little fuckers.
sigh. anyway; ive had some good times with my buddies this year, definitely not enough for my liking though. other than C. i have made a new friend that hasnt hurt me after kissing me (Sorry, A. it wasnt meant to be haha). We've bonded over countless cigarettes and McDonalds (that one not as often, since we're only mildly obese). She and i have talked about a lot of things. I can tell she doesnt open up to a lot of people, but im glad shes opened up to me. i still have to learn to open up a bit but shes talked me through a few things in months of our friendship. She and i didnt really REALLY start being friends until we started going out for smokes at lunch. ive said it countless times to her "smoking is a good bonding session, minus the whole cancer thing." which is very very true.

can you tell that she asked me to write about her? well she did. just to mention her but i did a bit more than that. (SO THERE, YOU SHOCKER).
speaking of C. its been exactly a month since he got kicked out and apparently he's going to this stupid hipster/douchey/skater school near ours which happens to be the school this girl he likes goes.I found out that he did indeed snitch on the others for smoking weed to try and save himself.he hasnt talked to ANYONE from our school since. i also failed to mention this, but i think its important:

I have a wish jar in my room (dont hate, its not that weird.) and the night before C. got pinched i put a wish in the jar that said, and i quote;
"Get C. out of my life. I wish him away.GET OUT OF MY HEAD."
My wish came true. But i wanted to have some sort of closure; that i was the one that rejected him, that the idea of being with him only makes me want to toss my cookies.even if it isnt entirely true...
ANYWAY, i thought it was really fucking weird.
i havent used to jar since. as y'all can imagine.

other than my usual lame problems, i have to find a job to pay for my tuition cos my brother is escaping to Europe (how i wish i could...)and wont be able to help and my mother is taking some time off for her operation (more on that another time) so im having to get used to a lot more responsibility than im used to.
I DONT WANT IT. I WANNA ESCAPE FROM SCHOOL, FROM HOME. SET ME FREEEEEEEE! lol. im being slightly over dramatic.

i still have to go finish my English project, which is to show how i was when i was 4. im interviewing my 4 year old self and writing an essay and adding some photos. just quickly throwing something together...

go outside or get to panicking about your late homework like i am.
ITS CRUNCH TIME, SHOCKERS!
(please dont ask me what shocking means)
love,
the dead girl with the stupid pink hat.
kasia <3

i think its time for a rant, yes?

hey guys.
just so y'all know im not going to do a nice happy,calm (sometimes a tad boring) entry like usual. instead im going to bore you even more with a rant.

I am sick and tired of being sheltered. everyone in my house (aka the dictators) thinks im being dramatic and making myself seem like a victim.fuck you, HOW DARE YOU say that my feelings are just me being dramatic.HOW DARE YOU think that i shouldn't be feeling what im feeling. we have different experiences in our lives and feel differently about them. i really don't know how to explain(and im probably confusing the fuck out of anyone who is actually reading this, which most likely is no one anyway) it but im sick of being told that im making myself a victim. only i know what has happened throughout my life so how dare you tell me how im supposed to feel about something when you weren't there and will never experience it the same way, no matter if you experienced something similar or not.

Anyway, that's only a factor.i am expected to do really well in school; im sub par. how can i concentrate on anything when all i can think of is escape. that's exactly what i think about, any form of it; escape.a fast car, a bus pass, plane ticket or just running for as long as my legs can carry me.i find it funny that the only kids that understand are my age. people always say, "when i grow older I'll understand" fuck that; they never do. kids aren't the same from when you were young, and you cant understand because...well you just cant. i hate to sound like a cliche angst ridden teenager, but no one understands. other kids can relate to you, much like addicts can relate to each other and people with cancer relate to each other and they all help each other out. people like parents and teachers and doctors try to relate, to understand. They cant, and never will. doctors; if they don't understand what you're feelings they get you so chock full of meds you wont feel at all.I cant think of anything but escape, escape from those who fail to understand and tell me what im supposed to feel instead of helping the only way they can.How? well it depends on the person. like me, i cant concentrate on my work because i want to escape and live life; i cant be expected to have all work and no play. "all work and no play make [Kasia] go crazy".the way they can help is let me "escape" for at least a little while. one party a month was all i asked but no, the dictators said no.

the whole theory about teenagers wanting to rebel is true.i want to escape, and since i cant i don't want to do anything else. its a weird thing and my brother says that im just making excuses all the time for everything (or rather not doing anything). sorry, would you rather hear the truth, brother? right now it does sound like im making excuses, but its not an excuse if its the truth.I'm lonely.i feel sheltered.because I've been sheltered for so long, i feel scared of everything. even making a fucking phone call gives me a panic attack.they want me to be responsible and independent. a little too late for that, non? how am i going to survive when im actually released into the real world when i leave for university.they made me scared. i dont want to be scared. i want so bad to show re3sponsibilty, to be independent, to feel as if i am living.

even if i were allowed to go out,i doubt i would be invited to anything. i made the mistake of not sticking with the "cool" group of people. though stupid, petty and frankly parasites leaching off of their parents money, they are idolized. i know that i would probably have more fun at one of my friends parties but its the whole idea of being a part of something.i know that after high school they'll be nothing, but thats just a cliche. a lot of the girls in this group are high on the honor roll and are loved by the teachers for their funny remarks and ability to hand in work on time. those are the ones im jealous of. we are so alike, personality wise. i could be friends with these people. but for some reason im not. i think the reason they have got it so together is the fact that they have fun; live, love, laugh and all that shit.they have found a good median between work and play. i haven't found that median because neither work or play are existent with me. its a vicious cycle; if i don't play, i don't work, and if i don't work i cant play, and so on.my friends don't have the means to have parties like the "cool" kids do, which is a factor in why they don't have them. but also, they are all sort of socially awkward, much like i am. which i guess, is why we're friends.

ugh, i'll write a follow up to this tmr. im too tired and pissed off and frankly this is all sort of depressing; me blogging about my feelings. WAHHHHH! :'0

some links

sorry for not posting anything recently but i do have some links y'all might like.

i have a deviant art and ive posted some things up after a long time so here are some links to the stuff. and a few random sites i thought y'all might find funny/horrifying.

Secrets
Secrets2
7:50
ThisIsWhyYoureFat
ChristWire
Omnomnom

I have so many random sites that i visit but i cant for the life of me think of a lot of them right now. I'll be posting again with actual stuff soon. I PROMISE.

love,
The DeadGirl with the stupid pink hat (a la Timmy Turner).

a little blog face lift and life update

i would love to do a huge entry about whats been going on for the past few weeks, but instead i'll jot down a list of things and maybe go into detail in a later post.
April 13th:

• R. asked me if i wanted to go for a movie sometime
• this was supposed to be when i told him i didnt feel that way
• i meant to avoid this whole situation altogether but my friends decided it was time to tell him to fuck off
• it looked more like an elementary school hook up instead of what it really was (a rejection)
• i told him later on that i just wasnt allowed to date and i would rather stay friends
• yes i felt bad but it had to happen sometime
• you wouldve done the same
• he still likes me

• hopefully that'll change cos his hope sort of scares me.

April 16th:

• i get an extra ticket from C. to see the schools rendition of the outsiders
• i go see the show (looking really good BTW...JUST THROWING THAT OUT THERE)
• we stuff all the coffee creamers in my purse
• C. and i flirt harshly
  
• play is good to my surprise
• C. says goodbye and walks out on us
• like an idiot, i run after him
• i say"you didnt say goodbye" he says "bye" and i get a hug/pat on the back
• WTF
• WTF
• WHAT.THE.FUDGE?
• agh!

April 17th

• got ready for a birthday dinner
• went on facebook for a little while
• M. ( a i havent talked to in a while cos we got into a fight) messages me saying that she wants to set me up with this guy
• i say sure, i'll check him out
  

• went to N.'s 16th birthday like w00t
• had lasagna at a Greek restaurant a long with everyone else haha
• took photos and mocked the LG's and LB's that are just sooo cool like
• went home
• as im pulling into drive way i see a couple people by my house
• its M. and 2 guys
• mum goes inside and i talk to the 3 hoodlums
• one of the guys is Skyler (i know, horrible name) who turns out to be the guy M. wanted me to meet
• i meet him and he is very attractive
• like nom nom nom
• he gave me a perfectly perfect chance to kiss him and i didnt take it
• i havent seen him since

skip the weekend
April 20th (ya, w00t)

• have fun in math class avec F. et C.
• Christian Ed. teacher bails on us so we're stuck with an incompetent coach as a teacher
• C. and some guys go out at lunch
• i later find out that they got in trouble for "celebrating 420"
• C. gets expelled a long with another guy and a couple of them are suspended for the rest of the year
• some of us suspect that C. may have squealed on the others to get out of trouble
• i havent seen any of them since then

Skip to today

• i didnt go to school
• had myself a Disney VHS marathon cos i had a weird urge to watch Sword in the Stone
• while looking for the tapes i found old family photos
• had a good laugh or two
• there was a dance tonight
• i couldnt go cos i got grounded for not coming home right away (this was cos my friend Kevin wouldnt let me leave and kept talking to me, any person my age understands. The Dictators dont)
• ive been watching Say Yes to the Dress for a few hours and i still dont know what A-line means
• apparently no girls from my grade went to the dance either cos they thought it was gay or they were part of the Preppies and went to a party bus thing that was going on
  
• only 3 guys in my grade showed up (my true love, J. being among them and my brother. the poor guys)

• i managed to find this really good indie song that i heard on the radio a while ago (its actually indie cos i couldnt find it and there are no lyric sights for it so i wrote down the ones i heard)

SO, i also managed to get S. to help give my blog a face lift. i posted her link on here so feel free to stalk. mind you, the blog is still a work in progress. but in the meantime, enjoy it. i'll try to post again soon so i wont have to do any more of these annoying bullet form entries.

i'm going to post the song i was talking about. i swear its like it was written about me in a lot of the song. its amazing. CLICK ME FOR EAR CANDY.

candy used to sit at the front of the class. i really liked her but i sat in the back. she was really pretty and she talked real fast. like that , uh huh just like that.

Please dont hate me for such a short entry; URL

Sorry,
Sorry,
SORRY!
i know im not posting enough and i know my entries are a bit short.
sorry that i have a life (WAIT..WHAT?! A LIFE? no not really, im just lazy. but im putting it in brackets cos im not actually admitting this, this is just what is going through my head.just to let you guys know, everything i write in brackets is what im actually thinking.).

Aside from my obviously hectic life, i found some time to hang out with my buddies.We went on a trampoline at this one apartment complex that no one ever goes on. we were being loud and a lady that lived there asked if any of us lived there.i said that i did; we nicknamed her Siobhan.some common dialogue between the few of us consisted of this:
"STOP POKING MY BOOB."
"i think i should find a toilet, every time i jump im peeing ever so lightly." (not going to say who said that;it may have been me)
"SHUTUP, SIOBHAN WILL GET MAD AT US AGAIN."
"sofia's like a cat."
in other words (or not), it was an enjoyable time.

BUT ALAS.
the reason i decided to write on my blog today instead of going about my hectic life (sighhh...) is to say that im probably going to have to change my URL again 'cos people are creeping my blog (not the same people; others.these people shouldnt have been reading it in the first place anyway.).
i know "of course people are going to creep you blog, its open to everyone."fuck you i know that already, its just these few people i dont want reading it.
so there.
let's see, other than my trampoline escapades ive managed to hang out with my pals a bit this week. this is rare of me.
we're doing a project for gym class (yeah, i know.) about obesity; a topic we hold close to our hearts, and we went to my buddy A's house to do it. instead of writing about it in great detail i think i'll do what i often do in my journal and just write some key things that happened.and you can rely on your imagination for the rest (i know im not the only one that thinks that sounded dirty...).

• scrapping together some loose change to pay for the poster paper
• taking the bus for one stop
• italian hand-talking
• blue waffle surprise (yes, it is THAT blue waffle)
• posing with waffle photo
• randomly singing a long to songs from elementary school
• force-tickling yours truly and having photographic evidence
• constantly calling everyone obese
• "A is the only really obese one here"
• "do we really want to make ourselves look even more fat by posing with the pizza?"
• grape drank

• japanese exchange student brokededed the computer

i dont think there was much else. if anything, i'll just write another entry (no, probably not.)

as i mentioned before, i may have to chnage my URL again. i'll let y'all know.

peace out, girlscout.

love, your little dead girl
Kasia

I'm hurting.

Well, let's see here...since the last time i wrote some stuff worth talking about has happened.I was really happy about it but I'm not too sure about it now.Its the same guy i talked about a few posts ago.Better known as the "kisser".He and i, big surprise; kissed again.At a friends house and on the way home, no doubt.SIGH.
SIGH.
SIGH.
yes, i know he snubbed me after the last time.but i figured that maybe he just didnt know what to do just like me. Today though, i found out what he really thinks of me. I was talking to my friend R. cos i found out that he told my other friend G. about me and the "kisser" aka 'C.', i found out more than i wanted and we ended up having a decent convo as well.

4:01pmKasia

you told G. about me and C.

4:02pmR.

yeah (cringes like kid about to receive punishment)

4:02pmKasia

why

that information isnt necessary to him

4:03pmR.

cause it pisses me off that C. doing that. A. asked him (i was there too) if he was actually going to date you and he said no

i cant stand by and let that happen

not to you

4:04pmKasia

i know hes not going to ask me out

im trying to ignore that fact

4:05pmR.

oh...

4:05pmKasia

and possibly change his mind

4:05pmR.

ah...

:(

4:06pmKasia

i dont even know how to feel about C.

its all very odd for me

4:07pmR.

same

4:08pmR.

i really dont know what to say about him

4:10pmR.

hes a nice guy hes got charm and looks (not meaning to sound queer or nothin')

4:10pmKasia

(i think youre queer anyway jk)

4:10pmR.

lol

4:11pmKasia

but yes, C. does come off as a cool kind of guy

but he's very hard to read

4:12pmR.

mhm thats why i like hanging out with him its impossible almost to know whats going through his head

4:12pmKasia

see, that also bothers me

4:13pmR.

why is that?

4:14pmKasia

cos i dont know how he feels about me, or anything. everything he says sort of seems like a lie

i dont know how to explain it.

4:17pmR.

i see what you mean its hard for me too like one day hes making out with you by Ms.R's room then two days later hes telling about some Templeton(another highschool in the area) chick he met that seems like the perfect match for him, then hes saying that AD.'s getting all pissed off about you two and he wants to go back to her then he's with you in my basement falling in a laundry basket.

4:17pmKasia

he doesnt know what he wants

4:18pmR.

he did say at one point to me that he was afraid of commitment

4:18pmKasia

thats a given

since he doesnt usually keep girlfriends for long

4:19pmR.

another thing that always confuses me

he gets all these beautiful women sees them for about a month (if that) then hes off with some other chick

4:21pmKasia

it is worrisome, isnt it?

i keep getting myself into these types of situations.its getting tiring.

4:23pmR.

I know...I keep throwing my heart around like a baseball and everytime so far, it just gets thrown away to the next person. Just for once I'd like someone to catch it

4:24pmKasia

*fistbump*

There was more but it wasnt really relevant.

i am tired of having this happen to me.I like guys and they take advantage of me. all i'll ever be is something to be used.no one ever seems to want more than physical stuff with me. i used to think i wasnt desirable, but i am; its just that no one wants anything more than a physical relationship with me.
i'm hurting.

Go outside, peep; live your life.
Happy Easter!
Love,
Kasia

UGHHHH

I'm sorry for not posting more often.

Although, a decent amount of stuff happened since the last time i wrote:
Went to a party this past weekend.
Did a little dancing (uhntz uhntz uhntz...)
Did a little dancing with some guys.
One of those guys happened to be pretty hot.
And also happened to make out with me for a decent amount of time...
I had to leave early cos i wasnt feeling too well, and i know im never going to see him again.
All i know is that i had a good time.
More recently(yesterday), i was sitting in church (yeah, yeah i know way to show your morals by making out with a guy the night before, right?) and this woman was sitting on front of me wearing this shirt...there was an interesting pattern on the back. I couldnt help but be reminded of the chromosomes we learned about last year in biology...

Not much of a post, i know. but at the moment i'm trying to finish my part of a French project.

Peace out, Girl scout.

Love,Your little DeadGirl
Kasia

Exactly like i thought the speech competition was gona be...

COULDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO REMEMBER TO PUT MY FUCKING NAME IN THE FUCKING PROGRAM FOR THE FUCKING SPEECH COMPETITION; THAT'S JUST FUCKING FINE WITH ME.
OF COURSE 'I' WAS THE ONLY ONE THAT WAS FORGOTTEN.
SIGH
SIGH
SIGH
i cant believe it, i knew something was going to happen. it always does. im always forgotten/ignored/neglected by teachers and my peers. i know im sort of sounding like a victim blah blah blah fuck you.Big fucking surprise for me, this was.
The same girl that won last year and the year before won this year. i couldn't help but laugh at all of the speeches; they were so predictable and so "highschool musical" (meaning cliche highschool crap).

i knew i wasn't gonna win but them forgetting to put me in the competition just depressed me.i admit my speech could've been more memorized, which is what they were looking for but why does that matter if the speech is shit?

sigh
sigh
SIGHHHHHHHHH
im mildly bitter about this.
it shouldnt be a big deal but people have this annoying tendency to either forget about me or fail to remember me...wait, thats exactly the same thing...

SIGH.


i'll keep you guys posted,
Love,
Kasia...you know the one...n-no she's...ah never mind...

P.S I FINALLY FOUND OUT WHO SINGS THIS ONE SONG THAT IVE BEEN ENTRANCED BY (with the lyrics, at least).

Sic Transit Gloria-Glory Fades

FUCKMYLIFEWITHARAKEANDNEVERCALLITBACK

I had an interesting day today.
Went to Starbucks in gym class because teacher didnt show and we have a tiny class.i found that this defeated the purpose of gym class. yes, we 'walked' down there but seriously, a mocha thingie from starbucks has more calories than a big mac.
sorry, i just found this funny, though it may not interest any of you.For that i apologize, but its my blog.
SO There.
Aside from the obese gym class we had today, i hung out with a few buddies of mine; not the ones that i have had recent fights with.We went to this dress shop we had wanted to pop into for a while. not only did they not carry my size (2), everything in there looked like Value Village rejects (the saleslady told us that all the stuff they had were discontinued designs sent from bridal shops). it was fun looking through all those dresses, and we did manage to find some cool stuff.i may or may not come back for this pair of pink barbie-esque pumps that i fell in love with...

God, i wish my friends didn't read this so i could treat this like my actual diary. i have to widdle everything down so i don't seem like a total headcase.even then i dont exactly seem normal, just more "LYK OMG" if you know what i mean by that at all...

ANYWAY

I decided to volunteer for this speech competition my school is holding.i barely make it through class speeches, i dont know why im doing this. oh, right because i knew my crush would be taking part so i decided to do the classic obsessed-with-one-particular-boy-teenage-girl thing and volunteer so that he and i could have something to talk about.

I.AM.AN.IDIOT.

Aside from my being an idiot for volunteering for this stupid thing, i wont even have time to practice this weekend cos we're doing renos and i have to help out.Cant say that my speech sucks though, im known for my amazing essays(THOUGH ITS NOT REALLY EVIDENT IN ANY OF THESE POSTS, IS IT.)

sigh
sigh
sighhhh
im off to bed so i can dream of being kissed this week and therefore remind myself how i was snubbed for the rest of the week afterward by said "kisser"(sadly, this is not the first time).

Keep it 'G',
Kasia; who by the way feels more dead than usual.

The last few days..

OH.MY.GOD.(freaking out over recent events)

so much has happened over the last few days. just this last weekend i met my niece for the very first time, and i love her already; shes always laughing and she wouldn't let go of my hand when i said goodbye. i'm seeing her again this weekend.

today wasnt so uneventful either. i resolved a long term problem with a friend who i thought i had lost for sure and some stuff 'n' junk happened during lunch today...

... But i wont say what.

HA!HA! (a la nelson from the simpsons)


Love,

Kasia; who seems to be more alive (say whaaaaat!?)

Up and running...well, the internet at least...

Well, as y'all can see from the title my internet is working again.
WOOT.
sigh, anyway. i think im living in a cage. picture this; a bird in a cage that dreams of escape and one day the cage is left open. the bird has dreamt of this day for years and now that the day has come, it realizes that there is no place to escape to. so they stay. That is pretty much my life. Except for the rare occasion when i do have a place to escape to, that chance gets taken away from me because i live in a house full of dictators. i cant really tell them everything sometimes cos i know shit will hit the fan. but by not telling them i sometimes look like a child or that im overreacting, blah blah blah. they don't get it.they don't understand that im sick of not living my teenage life. i want to go to parties. all i ask is once in a while; not like the rich and popular group at school that parties every other day. one weekend a month is all i ask. funny how the one weekend a month always ends up on the same weekend i have to go and help the mother-unit clean the church, right?
fuck, it just angers me.
this year has been the year ive actually had the most experiences:
my first kiss
some concerts
kissing a guy on several occasions and not dating them
smoked a few cigarettes...
fuck, now that i think about it...
I HAVEN'T LIVED VERY MUCH AT ALL. this is where my blog name comes into place.
DeadGirlAlive. its what i am. i am dead, or might as well be. my last fifteen years have been wasted.compare me to the average teenager (mind you, one that isnt a total fuck up) and they have gone to a decent amount of parties, have had boyfriends and have lived a decent life so far.a little sprinkle of angst here and there, but that is all a part of pubescence. along with acne, back-ne, cracking voices, and the "monthly gift".

Lately, all i could do to help myself fall asleep is the thought of dying.i know, very morbid,weird,etc etc but its true. its just like that song from Donnie Darko:

"I find it kind of funny; i find it kind of sad.That the dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had..."

apparently, people are reading my blog. not neccessarily people that i want reading my blog. im going to have to change my URL if i want this shit to continue, beacuse i genuinely like blogging.
sigh, more to come soon (thats what she said).


Love, your little dead girl

Kasia

p.s :(

Still internetless...

SIGHHH

again, the title says it all.

I am sitting in the computer lab again with sofia and some fag named fran.

we had some hot guys here before but they all left. haha, especially this one guy that my friend amethyst calls muriel. he's been checking me out all week and ive been doing the same. ahem.

ANYWAY. aside from the minor amount of hot guyness, im hoping that i can get my internet back within the week so i can actually write a decent entry. like, for example how everything has been very bipolar over the past few days. ive had a bunch of panic attacks because of my sister and homework and school and life in general,sigh. im failing math again and i just pulled it up. hopefully i can pull it up again now that we're doing trig, which is the only thing im good at. YAY SOHCAHTOA!

uhm, yes so hopefully ill be able to post some more stuff when my own computer is up and running. in the mean time if anyone cares whats going on in my life, my twitter is right THERE >>>>>>

feel free to stalk me, i guess.

right now im forcing my friend fran to get a blog and witnessing sofia wriet an entry for her blog. WOOT.

ain't life just GRAND!?

love, you're little dead girl,

Kasia

Internetless.

Title says it all people. I'm currently at school with my friend sofia going over our Christian Ed (yes i go to a catholic school, envy me."fear her wrath, people" thanks sofia) script for a skit we're doing. its hilarious so far, not to mention extremely stupid. Did i mention its stupid? oh, sorry. My brother is in it too (he and i are in the same grade but we're nt twins, he was sent to school a year later so we could be together). we each have to play a vice (lust, avarice etc.) and make it into a sitcom sort of thing. we're doing a sort of 'celebrity rehab with dr.drew' type thing. im a dr.drew type character and just like dr.drew i have my own problem too. douche-baggery?no.let's just say that my name is "dr.G.Lutton". 'nuff said. Our skit is going to be Sofia is a ho.Sorry, i was messing with Sofia and i cant bring myself to get rid of that sentence. ANYwayyy, our skit is definetly going to be amusing.

So in regards to the no internet thing, my brother has been fixing up his room and needed to unplug the computers and i dont know when theyll be up and running again. I'll be updating twitter whenever i can and i'll go back to the school computer lab to write another entry.


Love, Your Little Dead Girl

Kasia (Ka-Sh-ah)

Yay, not meeting any Olympians.woot.

Yeah....
So like i though would happen. i didnt meet any of the athletes that i talked about in my last post. My mother was told that they needed all the help they could get in organizing and setting up the event.When we showed up, there was an abundance of tree-trunk-legged hoochie mamas and we asked the guy that told us to show up if they needed us and he said "no" so quickly that my mother barely heard him. My GOD were the girls ugly. a lot of them looked oddly like Snooki (or however the fuck you spell it) from Jersey Shore. Sorry, but this one girl was just OBSCENELY UGLY.she looked like Snooki but with really bad thunder thighs.
I looked so good too.Really, this was not cool.

In other news.
The Olympic break is almost over, i start school again monday. Which i find odd because there are still the Paralympics. Nobody talks about the Paralympics, there's no hype for them. Everyone's going back to the old country while the athletes for the paralympics are getting barely any support from the media. uhm, WTF!
Other than that, today i did the lonely girl thing and went to this chatroom site i usually go on when im bored. i always meet some cool people and we end up being online buds for A long time. It all depends on how long it takes for them to admit that they're actually 42 year old men with teenage foot fetishes. I'm only sort of joking.But seriously kids, be aware that most people you meet on the internet are either pervs or just really, really fucked up.So, anyway i met some cool people like i always do and there was this one guy, Austin that i really enjoyed talking to.Don't worry, he only asked me a few questions about the look of my feet. Hahn. I find it funny that most girls don't care if guys are creeps if they're "hot".I think this is sort of different for guys unless they're desperate.I did this many times where i try to freak a guy out with weird comments and saying "i love you" a lot ( which is the most effective btw). If they're freaked out they're like "Kay, peace out freak." This is ridiculous. Guys can be SUCH creeps and they expect us to stick around. uhm, no?

OKAY,so what else has happened in the super interesting life of Kasia? Today consisted of sleeping in until around 1 and going on the computer until my brother and his girlfriend came. that's when i had to run to my room and put on a pair of pants.Yeah, sometimes the pink flannel pajama bottoms just wont do.After that i hung out with them and then i went to repent for my sins at church (praise Johebus!). Just a little bit ago we finished playing a board game.I lost, obviously. The really sad thing is that i kinda, sorta care. i wish i were joking. And now, because my life is so fulfilling, I'm back here.WOOT.

I really wish my life was more interesting.Sorry.


Love Your Little Dead Girl,


Kasia

Yay, yummy Olympians!

Okay, so. Today i was supposed to meet up with my newly sixteen year-old friend and the friend that i "resolved my problems with". INSTEAD, my mother tells me at the very last second that
I'm helping out at a banquet for Polish athletes.
WOOT. Yes, i'm mildly excited, though i really wanted to paint the town red with my buddies.The awesome thing is, half of the athletes are around my age (yeeee) and they're attractive( so,very attractive).Yeah i cant wait.

Hopefully my Polish isnt so bad that it offends people. then again, my mother says that most Polish adults are surprised that kids my age can even speak a little bit of the language (if they do, that is.). I have had so many of my mothers friends speak to me in english cos they thought i didnt know how to speak it like their children (HAHAHA!).


Other than that, im looking at universities i could go to. i already have a plan if i decide to stay in Canada, and im still working on a plan for Europe if i decide to leave the country (which is most likely). my family says to focus on English since that's my strong suit and i shouldnt think about careers. which is really weird because theyve been telling me to think of possible careers and what id need for them. just recently because my brother moved in to save some money for his trip to europe their opinions on what i should do have changed. now theyre all telling me i should focus on something that will make me happy and take courses that could open doors to different kinds of careers. Very, very weird.


I'll write again soon, although since the break is ending im not too sure how soon because of school. I'll try nonetheless. :)


go outside and live life.

Love, Your Little Dead Girl,

Kasia

?

My new baby! i just picked them up today. i have been lusting after these headphones for months!
Beside the new addition to my family(he-he), i have sort of resolved my problems with one of my friends. i wouldn't call it resolving our problems cos we decided to just forget what we were arguing about and move on with our lives so the tension wouldn't bother the rest of our friends. i guess it works for now...

I haven't been able to get this one thing out of my head for the last week and a half or so...I was talking to a male friend of mine that i admit that i have a bit of a crush on (that's a bit of an understatement).We always flirt harshly and this time was no different. i decided to tell him that i dream of him. stupidest idea of my life. he asked if i could describe one. i thought he wanted to get off on it or something so i decided to go into huge detail in describing a made up dream. i meant to make it sexy but instead it ended up sounding like it should have been in some trashy harlequin novel.it could have been more awkward but it also didn't have to be as awkward as it was. The thing is, i never actually dreamed about him in that way but when i told him about my supposed "dream" i started to dream about him in that way. its unsettling.
I cant get over how good the sound quality of these headphones are.

I'm trying to work on a portrait for this contest online. the concept for the contest is to "portray yourself". Its not working out so well. i have done really good portraits in the past but i cant seem to do a nice one when i actually need one.
sigh
sigh
sighhhh
I know i dont blog too often but im always on twitter (aka lazy blogging) so if you feel the need to stalk me further my tweets are down there at the bottom.
I'll write again soon, hopefully.In the meantime go outside and enjoy life, write a book, ride a bike, knit a sweater etc. etc. etc.

Love your Little Dead Girl,

Kasia

Kind of ruined my good mood there, buddy.

I just wanna say....

NO ONE WOULD CARE ENOUGH TO DO THAT SHIT FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
okay im alright now. My friend just turned sixteen, and i love her. but it bothers me that people are doing all this shit for her birthday, not just hers, all of them go full out for eachothers birthday. i have known them for years and i barely even get a "happy bday" from some of them. i never had a big party for me before. i guess it was partly cos i had a fear of people not showing up. im not very popular, atleast i wasnt in elementary school.

i always feel so alone on my birthdays. my family always does something for me, my sister especially always trys to make me feel special. i know im not. i hate going to birthday parties. i go to some if i know it'll feel like we're hanging out like usual. i dodnt go to my friends sweet sixteen yesterday cos one of them is being really immature and rude about my financial situation.
whatever. i really wish i atleast came to drop off her present or something, i really do love the girl; she and i never had any problems.

i hung out with my sister and her bff today. i got some makeup and some overpriced food. some guy wanted to buy off my sisters olympic mittens.it was pretty funny cos about an hour earlier some lady asked for her toque. people are desperate.

sigh
sigh
sighhhhhh
i have to go to work with my mum, i would rather sit in my room and feel sorry for myself while folding some clothes.
I'll post again soon (again, not that anyone cares),

Love your little dead girl,

Kasia

Maybe this time a proper introduction?

Whutup, whutup.

Hey so as i explained in my last blog,(though i dont think anybody particularly cares...) my layout was being a little bit of a retard.only a little bit.My name is Kasia as said in my first post. dont even ask how many people cant pronounce my shortened name let alone my full name (Katarzyna). it gets tiring i admit.i might aswell tell them to call me Mayor Chapstick or Jockstrap Noodlebuns, atleast i wouldnt have to worry about mispronunciation, though a few more weirded out looks. but im used to those.

I am in fact Polish, one can tell by my Fresh-off-the-boat-Polish-immigrant-off-to-start-a-new-life-with-her-9-kids-and-illiterate-husband-that-smells-like-goat-cheese-name. i'll tell you guys more about my dysfunctional immigrant family later on in my posts. For now i'll focus on saying as much about myself as possible.

I hate to say this but i don't get out much. i live near Vancouver but its more of a ghetto suburban neighborhood with kids that have nothing better to do than smoke weed and spend money on candy from the 7-11. my life really is quite unfortunate. this isnt the worst part, this is just where i live. luckily i dont have to spend much time here cos i go to school in a different area though i have a "perfectly good public school" two feet away from my house (for realz).

Since the Olympics are going on in town i dont have school(woot) but its not as fun as it seems. i'm stuck in this ghetto suburb unless i take the train, which i admit i am too lazy to take sometimes. And even if i wasn't lazy (which i am), most of my "friends" have abandoned me.

My mother. i don't want to go into too much detail about how much she baby's me. so i'll give you guys an example:

Today i was making an omelet. Mum wasn't home so i knew id be okay. halfway through, as if she sensed that i was trying to cook for myself, she shows up from work and "shows me how to make a proper omelet". i know, i know, this sounds really lame. But i take these sorts of things very seriously.this was one of the not-so-bad ones. she has done worse.i definitely wont go into those right now.

Valentines Day. Lets call it what it really is, Single Awareness Day (S.A.D). i spent it with some lovely fellows named Ben and Jerry, and there was a chunky monkey involved.Although i did do a bit of a photo shoot, i'll add a photo and a link where you could see the rest.

I dont have time to write more today, but i hope that i can go on often.

See y'all around,

Love your little dead girl,

Kasia (Ka-sha)

Photos

Numero deux

You all have NO IDEA how mad i am at blogspot right now.
i chose a shitty template and my posts weren't behaving.WAH!
after editing my posts millions of times i realized there was no use.sadly, half of my post was deleted after the process, does blogspot have an undo button? Because clearly it wasn't there when i needed it.
SIGH
SIGH
SIGH
SIGH
LONG DRAMATIC TEENAGER-Y SIGH
I am pooped beyond belief so i wont be introducing myself properly today.
maybe tomorrow, maybe not.
We shall see.

Love,

your little dead girl,

Kasia (Ka-Sh-ah)

Dead Girl Lives

Let's see, so this is my first blog.
Well, actually i had an account before but we wont speak of that one[ever].
This should be interesting.
And I don't mean that sarcastically (though, being fifteen i tend to be sarcastic; you have been warned), the first post really should be interesting, otherwise y'all wont be coming back.
I guess I'll turn this into a sort of introduction.
As mentioned i am fifteen and [sometimes unintentionally] sarcastic. I've been told that I'm funny but i think i rely too much on awkward movements and facial expressions.maybe that's just the type of friends i have. Actually, now that i mention it, i don't have many friends at the moment.
It seems that in one week, most of my friends have decided to "confront me of my bitchy-ness"
Don't be fooled, I'm actually a really good person. I'm just taking advantage of the fact that because I'm fifteen i can be snarky, sarcastic etc.etc.
i wont bother y'all with this petty teeny-girl drama just yet.
My name is Kasia; full name Katarzyna. i know, everyday i have to deal with seeing the little red squiggly line under my name.