hey guys.
just so y'all know im not going to do a nice happy,calm (sometimes a tad boring) entry like usual. instead im going to bore you even more with a rant.
I am sick and tired of being sheltered. everyone in my house (aka the dictators) thinks im being dramatic and making myself seem like a victim.fuck you, HOW DARE YOU say that my feelings are just me being dramatic.HOW DARE YOU think that i shouldn't be feeling what im feeling. we have different experiences in our lives and feel differently about them. i really don't know how to explain(and im probably confusing the fuck out of anyone who is actually reading this, which most likely is no one anyway) it but im sick of being told that im making myself a victim. only i know what has happened throughout my life so how dare you tell me how im supposed to feel about something when you weren't there and will never experience it the same way, no matter if you experienced something similar or not.
Anyway, that's only a factor.i am expected to do really well in school; im sub par. how can i concentrate on anything when all i can think of is escape. that's exactly what i think about, any form of it; escape.a fast car, a bus pass, plane ticket or just running for as long as my legs can carry me.i find it funny that the only kids that understand are my age. people always say, "when i grow older I'll understand" fuck that; they never do. kids aren't the same from when you were young, and you cant understand because...well you just cant. i hate to sound like a cliche angst ridden teenager, but no one understands. other kids can relate to you, much like addicts can relate to each other and people with cancer relate to each other and they all help each other out. people like parents and teachers and doctors try to relate, to understand. They cant, and never will. doctors; if they don't understand what you're feelings they get you so chock full of meds you wont feel at all.I cant think of anything but escape, escape from those who fail to understand and tell me what im supposed to feel instead of helping the only way they can.How? well it depends on the person. like me, i cant concentrate on my work because i want to escape and live life; i cant be expected to have all work and no play. "all work and no play make [Kasia] go crazy".the way they can help is let me "escape" for at least a little while. one party a month was all i asked but no, the dictators said no.
the whole theory about teenagers wanting to rebel is true.i want to escape, and since i cant i don't want to do anything else. its a weird thing and my brother says that im just making excuses all the time for everything (or rather not doing anything). sorry, would you rather hear the truth, brother? right now it does sound like im making excuses, but its not an excuse if its the truth.I'm lonely.i feel sheltered.because I've been sheltered for so long, i feel scared of everything. even making a fucking phone call gives me a panic attack.they want me to be responsible and independent. a little too late for that, non? how am i going to survive when im actually released into the real world when i leave for university.they made me scared. i dont want to be scared. i want so bad to show re3sponsibilty, to be independent, to feel as if i am living.
even if i were allowed to go out,i doubt i would be invited to anything. i made the mistake of not sticking with the "cool" group of people. though stupid, petty and frankly parasites leaching off of their parents money, they are idolized. i know that i would probably have more fun at one of my friends parties but its the whole idea of being a part of something.i know that after high school they'll be nothing, but thats just a cliche. a lot of the girls in this group are high on the honor roll and are loved by the teachers for their funny remarks and ability to hand in work on time. those are the ones im jealous of. we are so alike, personality wise. i could be friends with these people. but for some reason im not. i think the reason they have got it so together is the fact that they have fun; live, love, laugh and all that shit.they have found a good median between work and play. i haven't found that median because neither work or play are existent with me. its a vicious cycle; if i don't play, i don't work, and if i don't work i cant play, and so on.my friends don't have the means to have parties like the "cool" kids do, which is a factor in why they don't have them. but also, they are all sort of socially awkward, much like i am. which i guess, is why we're friends.
ugh, i'll write a follow up to this tmr. im too tired and pissed off and frankly this is all sort of depressing; me blogging about my feelings. WAHHHHH! :'0
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