fuck.
fuck.
FUCK MY LIFE WITH A RAKE AND NEVER CALL IT BACK.
its almost the end of the year and im stressing out.
every year its the same;
i promise to work really hard ("really, this time is different!") and something always seems to take up all my time that i should be spending on doing my school/studying/giving a shit etc. etc. this year for example its been C. aka the "kisser" and me trying to better my sad little social life. and it always ends the same way; i freak out at the end of the year and get marks that are sub par (if that). im so scared for my math grade this year. its been my worst subject as per usual but now we have provincial exams.luckily our teacher is letting us re-do every test since the beginning of the year so i have a chance to raise myself a couple percent before the exam. i may have to pray more often.
i had a project due yesterday but some things happened on my computer and i havent been able to finish it by hand so i missed school yesterday to try to finish it. i didnt so i did the horrible student thing and sent an email begging for an extension. he probably wont follow through and i'll be screwed. wow, theres a gorgeous sunset outside. and also a couple of snot nosed punk kids with their crazy jazz muzak fucking around annoyingly close to my front lawn.
little fuckers.
sigh. anyway; ive had some good times with my buddies this year, definitely not enough for my liking though. other than C. i have made a new friend that hasnt hurt me after kissing me (Sorry, A. it wasnt meant to be haha). We've bonded over countless cigarettes and McDonalds (that one not as often, since we're only mildly obese). She and i have talked about a lot of things. I can tell she doesnt open up to a lot of people, but im glad shes opened up to me. i still have to learn to open up a bit but shes talked me through a few things in months of our friendship. She and i didnt really REALLY start being friends until we started going out for smokes at lunch. ive said it countless times to her "smoking is a good bonding session, minus the whole cancer thing." which is very very true.
can you tell that she asked me to write about her? well she did. just to mention her but i did a bit more than that. (SO THERE, YOU SHOCKER).
speaking of C. its been exactly a month since he got kicked out and apparently he's going to this stupid hipster/douchey/skater school near ours which happens to be the school this girl he likes goes.I found out that he did indeed snitch on the others for smoking weed to try and save himself.he hasnt talked to ANYONE from our school since. i also failed to mention this, but i think its important:
I have a wish jar in my room (dont hate, its not that weird.) and the night before C. got pinched i put a wish in the jar that said, and i quote;
"Get C. out of my life. I wish him away.GET OUT OF MY HEAD."
My wish came true. But i wanted to have some sort of closure; that i was the one that rejected him, that the idea of being with him only makes me want to toss my cookies.even if it isnt entirely true...
ANYWAY, i thought it was really fucking weird.
i havent used to jar since. as y'all can imagine.
other than my usual lame problems, i have to find a job to pay for my tuition cos my brother is escaping to Europe (how i wish i could...)and wont be able to help and my mother is taking some time off for her operation (more on that another time) so im having to get used to a lot more responsibility than im used to.
I DONT WANT IT. I WANNA ESCAPE FROM SCHOOL, FROM HOME. SET ME FREEEEEEEE! lol. im being slightly over dramatic.
i still have to go finish my English project, which is to show how i was when i was 4. im interviewing my 4 year old self and writing an essay and adding some photos. just quickly throwing something together...
go outside or get to panicking about your late homework like i am.
ITS CRUNCH TIME, SHOCKERS!
(please dont ask me what shocking means)
love,
the dead girl with the stupid pink hat.
kasia <3
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
i think its time for a rant, yes?
hey guys.
just so y'all know im not going to do a nice happy,calm (sometimes a tad boring) entry like usual. instead im going to bore you even more with a rant.
I am sick and tired of being sheltered. everyone in my house (aka the dictators) thinks im being dramatic and making myself seem like a victim.fuck you, HOW DARE YOU say that my feelings are just me being dramatic.HOW DARE YOU think that i shouldn't be feeling what im feeling. we have different experiences in our lives and feel differently about them. i really don't know how to explain(and im probably confusing the fuck out of anyone who is actually reading this, which most likely is no one anyway) it but im sick of being told that im making myself a victim. only i know what has happened throughout my life so how dare you tell me how im supposed to feel about something when you weren't there and will never experience it the same way, no matter if you experienced something similar or not.
Anyway, that's only a factor.i am expected to do really well in school; im sub par. how can i concentrate on anything when all i can think of is escape. that's exactly what i think about, any form of it; escape.a fast car, a bus pass, plane ticket or just running for as long as my legs can carry me.i find it funny that the only kids that understand are my age. people always say, "when i grow older I'll understand" fuck that; they never do. kids aren't the same from when you were young, and you cant understand because...well you just cant. i hate to sound like a cliche angst ridden teenager, but no one understands. other kids can relate to you, much like addicts can relate to each other and people with cancer relate to each other and they all help each other out. people like parents and teachers and doctors try to relate, to understand. They cant, and never will. doctors; if they don't understand what you're feelings they get you so chock full of meds you wont feel at all.I cant think of anything but escape, escape from those who fail to understand and tell me what im supposed to feel instead of helping the only way they can.How? well it depends on the person. like me, i cant concentrate on my work because i want to escape and live life; i cant be expected to have all work and no play. "all work and no play make [Kasia] go crazy".the way they can help is let me "escape" for at least a little while. one party a month was all i asked but no, the dictators said no.
the whole theory about teenagers wanting to rebel is true.i want to escape, and since i cant i don't want to do anything else. its a weird thing and my brother says that im just making excuses all the time for everything (or rather not doing anything). sorry, would you rather hear the truth, brother? right now it does sound like im making excuses, but its not an excuse if its the truth.I'm lonely.i feel sheltered.because I've been sheltered for so long, i feel scared of everything. even making a fucking phone call gives me a panic attack.they want me to be responsible and independent. a little too late for that, non? how am i going to survive when im actually released into the real world when i leave for university.they made me scared. i dont want to be scared. i want so bad to show re3sponsibilty, to be independent, to feel as if i am living.
even if i were allowed to go out,i doubt i would be invited to anything. i made the mistake of not sticking with the "cool" group of people. though stupid, petty and frankly parasites leaching off of their parents money, they are idolized. i know that i would probably have more fun at one of my friends parties but its the whole idea of being a part of something.i know that after high school they'll be nothing, but thats just a cliche. a lot of the girls in this group are high on the honor roll and are loved by the teachers for their funny remarks and ability to hand in work on time. those are the ones im jealous of. we are so alike, personality wise. i could be friends with these people. but for some reason im not. i think the reason they have got it so together is the fact that they have fun; live, love, laugh and all that shit.they have found a good median between work and play. i haven't found that median because neither work or play are existent with me. its a vicious cycle; if i don't play, i don't work, and if i don't work i cant play, and so on.my friends don't have the means to have parties like the "cool" kids do, which is a factor in why they don't have them. but also, they are all sort of socially awkward, much like i am. which i guess, is why we're friends.
ugh, i'll write a follow up to this tmr. im too tired and pissed off and frankly this is all sort of depressing; me blogging about my feelings. WAHHHHH! :'0
just so y'all know im not going to do a nice happy,calm (sometimes a tad boring) entry like usual. instead im going to bore you even more with a rant.
I am sick and tired of being sheltered. everyone in my house (aka the dictators) thinks im being dramatic and making myself seem like a victim.fuck you, HOW DARE YOU say that my feelings are just me being dramatic.HOW DARE YOU think that i shouldn't be feeling what im feeling. we have different experiences in our lives and feel differently about them. i really don't know how to explain(and im probably confusing the fuck out of anyone who is actually reading this, which most likely is no one anyway) it but im sick of being told that im making myself a victim. only i know what has happened throughout my life so how dare you tell me how im supposed to feel about something when you weren't there and will never experience it the same way, no matter if you experienced something similar or not.
Anyway, that's only a factor.i am expected to do really well in school; im sub par. how can i concentrate on anything when all i can think of is escape. that's exactly what i think about, any form of it; escape.a fast car, a bus pass, plane ticket or just running for as long as my legs can carry me.i find it funny that the only kids that understand are my age. people always say, "when i grow older I'll understand" fuck that; they never do. kids aren't the same from when you were young, and you cant understand because...well you just cant. i hate to sound like a cliche angst ridden teenager, but no one understands. other kids can relate to you, much like addicts can relate to each other and people with cancer relate to each other and they all help each other out. people like parents and teachers and doctors try to relate, to understand. They cant, and never will. doctors; if they don't understand what you're feelings they get you so chock full of meds you wont feel at all.I cant think of anything but escape, escape from those who fail to understand and tell me what im supposed to feel instead of helping the only way they can.How? well it depends on the person. like me, i cant concentrate on my work because i want to escape and live life; i cant be expected to have all work and no play. "all work and no play make [Kasia] go crazy".the way they can help is let me "escape" for at least a little while. one party a month was all i asked but no, the dictators said no.
the whole theory about teenagers wanting to rebel is true.i want to escape, and since i cant i don't want to do anything else. its a weird thing and my brother says that im just making excuses all the time for everything (or rather not doing anything). sorry, would you rather hear the truth, brother? right now it does sound like im making excuses, but its not an excuse if its the truth.I'm lonely.i feel sheltered.because I've been sheltered for so long, i feel scared of everything. even making a fucking phone call gives me a panic attack.they want me to be responsible and independent. a little too late for that, non? how am i going to survive when im actually released into the real world when i leave for university.they made me scared. i dont want to be scared. i want so bad to show re3sponsibilty, to be independent, to feel as if i am living.
even if i were allowed to go out,i doubt i would be invited to anything. i made the mistake of not sticking with the "cool" group of people. though stupid, petty and frankly parasites leaching off of their parents money, they are idolized. i know that i would probably have more fun at one of my friends parties but its the whole idea of being a part of something.i know that after high school they'll be nothing, but thats just a cliche. a lot of the girls in this group are high on the honor roll and are loved by the teachers for their funny remarks and ability to hand in work on time. those are the ones im jealous of. we are so alike, personality wise. i could be friends with these people. but for some reason im not. i think the reason they have got it so together is the fact that they have fun; live, love, laugh and all that shit.they have found a good median between work and play. i haven't found that median because neither work or play are existent with me. its a vicious cycle; if i don't play, i don't work, and if i don't work i cant play, and so on.my friends don't have the means to have parties like the "cool" kids do, which is a factor in why they don't have them. but also, they are all sort of socially awkward, much like i am. which i guess, is why we're friends.
ugh, i'll write a follow up to this tmr. im too tired and pissed off and frankly this is all sort of depressing; me blogging about my feelings. WAHHHHH! :'0
Thursday, May 6, 2010
some links
sorry for not posting anything recently but i do have some links y'all might like.
i have a deviant art and ive posted some things up after a long time so here are some links to the stuff. and a few random sites i thought y'all might find funny/horrifying.
Secrets
Secrets2
7:50
ThisIsWhyYoureFat
ChristWire
Omnomnom
I have so many random sites that i visit but i cant for the life of me think of a lot of them right now. I'll be posting again with actual stuff soon. I PROMISE.
love,
The DeadGirl with the stupid pink hat (a la Timmy Turner).
i have a deviant art and ive posted some things up after a long time so here are some links to the stuff. and a few random sites i thought y'all might find funny/horrifying.
Secrets
Secrets2
7:50
ThisIsWhyYoureFat
ChristWire
Omnomnom
I have so many random sites that i visit but i cant for the life of me think of a lot of them right now. I'll be posting again with actual stuff soon. I PROMISE.
love,
The DeadGirl with the stupid pink hat (a la Timmy Turner).
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